Daily Discovery

As a young teen, lying on the shag carpeting of my room with my feet up on my dresser, I sometimes thought about the many different roles adults play and how impossible it seemed to be all those people at once. I was just becoming acquainted with myself, looking at how I played out my limited repertoire: student, daughter, sister, friend, camper, dancer, etc. How can a person be all these things and go from one to the other so seamlessly, I wondered?

I wanted to fit in, be accepted. External appearances were important. The more I tried to keep up with everyone else, the more fractured I felt. Who was I really? It was at this time I started to have my own unique thoughts about the world. I was discovering I did have an internal life as well as an external one.

It is the deeply rooted sense of who we are inside that gives us our center and makes us feel connected to everyone and everything. We cannot go inside, be connected to this Source, and at the same time be concerned with comparing ourselves to everyone else. So it is no wonder that my teenage self was confused about who she was.

This feeling has lasted to varying degrees for most of my life. Like Dani Shapiro, in her memoir, Devotion, I came to a point in mid-life where I needed some answers. We each have our own questions, and they are often of an existential nature. Mine were primarily about my purpose, my contract in this lifetime. It is clear that I am on a path, a journey of discovery. I know that each and every day something new may be revealed. But what am I meant to be doing, what is my life’s work?

I’d like to think of myself as a patient person but I am not. I want to KNOW. I’ve always been like that. Sometimes, when the suspense of a story became too scary, too big, I flipped to the back of the book just to KNOW that the hero did not die. So, too, I want to know what is in store for me, where I’m heading.

What I do know is that it will unfold at the perfect pace for me. I need to be open, be patient and be aware of what IS happening, right in front of me and to me, each and every day (“moment” would be more than I could hope for). Then gracefully, effortlessly, it will be revealed.

A Spiritual Sabbatical

Sounds kind of nice, but what is it?

My soul needs some space, some time to grow and expand, to see where it wants to go.

I've always been a good student, peace-keeping middle child, and dutiful daughter. For the last 26 years, I've been a wife, mother, and stepmother; business woman; volunteer at my kids' school; board member and volunteer at a nursing home; member of countless committees; and all-around responsible person. Over the last 8 years, I've become a holistic health counselor, Reiki master, healthy cooking teacher, and gentle yogi who is waking up to her spiritual nature.

I've met others' expectations admirably but stopped creating my own. In the last several years, even though I chose a new and different course, I was still confined by my societal and self-defined roles.

Piccadilly, our Wheaten terrier

Last spring, we put our dog down. It was traumatic for my husband and me, and all I know is that I miss her presence in my life: her unconditional loving nature, those beautiful eyes, a steady companion. In June, my youngest graduated from high school. In anticipation of having an empty nest, my husband and I bought a home in a new gated community that would require much less upkeep. In the interim, the economy tanked. We put our house on the market a year ago and it hasn't sold.

In concert with these changes in my life, my monthly cycles started changing as well. I felt dispassionate, not excited about anything. Sure, I was happy for my younger daughter who was starting college, and for my older daughter who was moving into the city to work and live near friends. We have wonderful older children and two beautiful grandchildren. And yet. . .

I felt I needed to get away, find something to feel passionate about again. I felt locked into my traditional roles. With some guidance, the idea of a spiritual sabbatical was born, a time to explore my soul, my deeper self. I invite you to take this journey with me.